Wednesday, September 14, 2005
♥lousy day♥
gave tuition today. first lesson.
everything was well. shaowei brought me to the student's house.
(because she was also her student)
and everything is nice..whatever.
but when i finished tuition and went his house,
grr. everything became damm sian.
i think there was some miscommunication.
i messaged him yesterday while he was having his late night mahjong session
i asked if he'll be popping by tomorrow (which is today)
to sleep over at my place.
since he included that he wanted to do the mask
we bought together today.
and i remembered very clearly that he once said
he only wanna do the mask at my place
because my place was cosier and there are proper places
to lie down while doing the mask.
msged him,"you coming over to sleep tomorrow night?"
and he said yup.
now i really don't know what he was yup-ping about yesterday.
and so i assumed i was corrected that he had plans to come over
for the night.
because i finished tuition at boon lay at 5.30pm (but dragged till 6pm)
then i had to travel an hour to his house.
i left at around 9.45pm.
i was pretty disappointed when he said he can't be coming over tonight.
because, obviously, i want his company.
but he said he wants to run tonight.
because yesterday he slept over at bernards house.
he wanna stay home today.
so fine. i'm ok with it.
of course the disappointment took a while to go away.
i tried to hide it though.
towards the end, i was really feeling kinda cool about it already.
he suggested that we should head to the playground downstairs to have a talk.
started telling me about us.
that our characters are so different. our goals are different. objectives too.
and he doesn't understand why i am always a procrastinater
when it comes to studying.
he hates it when i can't speak up my mind.
he hates it when i look grumpy whenever he talks about my studies.
overall, i think he hates me tonight.
said i was overly obsessed with my skin.
overly obsessed with my weight.
and he puts his priorities on studies and running as a sport.
yes our characters are different. and i dislike studying that much tt
i can't take it whenever he questions me about my studies.
he always goes,"did you study today?", "where are you now? thought you got lessons now??"
he sound like a discipline master.
but of course, a discipline master i deeply love.
and a discipline master whom i really hope to impress.
i know deep in me that what he is saying is true.
if i continue failing this semester,
i'm getting out of the school. period.
but i really dislike studying.
engineering.
one year ago, i was given a chance to choose whether i want to
have a change of course or stay on in engineering.
i chose the latter.
i don't know if i have regretted my choice.
but i really regretted choosing engineering in the first place.
no place for regrets now. i know that jolly well.
i've been such a procrastinater since i'm 17.
2 years in college was disastrous for me.
call me willful or useless. i doubt there's anything that can possibly
make me have interests in my studies again.
why am i so lazy? i really don't know.
born in the blood.
like he always say,
if he hangs a piece of biscuit on my neck and i'm starving,
i'd probably still die in the end.
i didn't say i don't like studying with him at all.
i guess it has to be the most interesting thing about studying.
but i'm really not the kind that can study everyday.
even if it is only 2 hours a day.
i know myself too well.
i admit i'm just plain lazy.
and i know if this goes on,
we're going to wave each other goodbye just because
PEGGY IS TOO LAZY WHEN IT COMES TO SCHOOLWORK.
wtf.
if i tell you i will study fucking hard from today onwards,
don't believe me.
i've been telling this lie since 3 years ago.
sorry to disappoint you shaowei.
i....... will try.
maybe you are right about us being different.
and yes i really can't put my thoughts into my speech well.
it is the same when i quarrel with my dad.
the same when i attempted to console dorothy.
same when i tried to explain things to sindy.
and i'm not overly obsessed with my skin. nor weight.
dude, i'm going on tv 3 days later.
and i'm sure you know i want to look good.
and even if i don't have to perform,
i still want to look good.
same like you wanna score A's in all your quizzes.
my energy don't lie there.
in fact, i have more interests in our relationship than studying.
you are a rational and realistic person.
and always talking about practicality.
and i'm dreamer. day-dreamer to be exact.
and if one day you think you ought to look for someone more practical.
tell me.
i will try to put more effort in my studies okay?
really wish i didn't exist.
sometimes i really really wish so.
i'm just so silly. lazy. and useless as a person.
selfish. stubborn. jealous.
and i always say things i don't erally mean.
are girls all like this?
sorry for not being a responsible person all this while.
you say our conversations are getting so uninteresting.
probably because we've been meeting too often.
perhaps so then.
